The Day I Had Hoped Would Never Come

The day before Thanksgiving I made the extremely difficult decision to put my oldest cat Casper to sleep.  I had gotten her when I was 16 and she was a kitten.  She was my child in pretty much every sense of the word.  It was so hard to let her go.  Part of me felt like it was what was best for her, but part of me felt (and still does feel) like I made a terrible mistake.  I just cannot shake the feeling that it was not quite yet her time.  It has been a little over a month since we took her in and the vet put her to sleep, and yet it still feels like it was just a few days ago.  I still find myself crying when I think of her, or look at pictures of her.  They say time heals all wounds, but the pain is still too fresh for me to think that I will ever find myself "moving on" so to speak.  I love my other two cats, but as awful as it sounds I loved Casper differently and I just cannot love the other two the same.  They will always be my babies, but no one can ever take Casper's place.  I know that one day I will see her again, but I can't see her NOW, I can't hold her NOW, I can't kiss her NOW, I can't pet her or enjoy the sound of her purr as she curls up in my lap...I will never again come home to her greeting me at the front door, or wake up to her curled up next to me on the bed.  Sometimes it is just too hard to bear knowing that she will not be there when I wake up or when I get home from work.  I love her and miss her so much! I feel like some people think I am taking too long to get over it, but it is still just too hard to think about her being gone.  I hope that she knows how much I love and miss her. She will forever be my Baby Kitties......

Bleh......

I am having one of those days where I feel like crap and all I want to do is go home, curl up in a ball and just chill on my bed for the rest of the night.  But alas, I am stuck at work with a little over an hour left before I can go home.  You know, it's kinda hard to get better when you are sick when you are stuck going to work everyday!  Stupid bills that require me to have a full time job!!!

My Conundrum...

OK, so something you should know about me is that I love animals, ALL animals and it has always been my dream to have a job where I would spend my day working with them. Though I have never been very fond of meat, I had never had the desire to give it up altogether. A few years ago I received some material in the mail that detailed what happens to the animals then end up as our food. I was shocked and appalled...I mean I knew they weren't treated all that well, but I had no idea it was THAT bad. I cried my eyes out after reading it, and proceeded to tell my husband that I wanted to become a vegetarian because I did not want to support the people who torture these poor animals. I told him that this was my decision and he did not have to do it with me. He agreed to become vegetarian with me because he knew how much it meant to me. It lasted about a month. For one, the no meat was getting to my husband as he is very a much a meat eater, and also because at the end of the month I discovered that my already rail thin husband had lost so much weight his jeans were practically falling off of him (and dammit I didn't lose an ounce!). Honestly I did not miss the lack of meat in our diet at all. The only downside in my opinion was trying to come up with interesting dinners to make every night that we would both enjoy eating. That was a year ago, and we have been eating meat this whole time. I pretty much feel guilty just about every time I make a dinner that includes meat. I have decided to skip the turkey at Thanksgiving after learning exactly what happens to them when they are killed for our dinner. I feel like I could comfortably give up meat altogether and be just fine. Although I LOVE my cheese and I am a milk drinker....those would be much harder to give up than the meat. But here is my conundrum.....say I do decide to give up meat altogether, I won't ask my husband to go through that again, I don't want him to lose all that weight again either. So in this hypothetical situation I give up meat, but still continue to make meals that have meat in them for my husband. So the problem is, I am giving up eating it myself, yet I am still buying it for my husband. So even though I would no longer be eating it, I feel like the fact that I would still be buying it would void the fact that I am no longer eating it. So what am I supposed to do about that? I hate what the industry does to the animals, and do not want to support them, but I kind of have no choice. Welcome to my conundrum!

Ugh!

Have you ever met anyone that for whatever reason just completely gets on your nerves, and no matter what they do it just bugs the crap out of you? Yeah.....I have someone in my life that fits that description. This person has moments when they are fun, and not bad to be around or to talk to. But for the most part this person just bugs the crap out of me! Most of the time I don't know what it is that is bugging me either! There are specific times that this person does things to bug me, and bug everyone else at the same time, but then there are days that just their very presence and voice just make me want to scream! Now I am not saying that I am perfect and there are probably some people that I just annoy the crap out of, but I see this person 5 days a week, so it starts getting harder and harder to ignore the annoying things. Yet at the same time I feel sort of guilty. This person (as far as I know) has no idea that they bug the crap out of me, and sometimes I give this person the cold shoulder because it is my way of dealing without being a mega bitch. Not that this person is perfect, there are things that this person does that are rude and selfish and would bug the crap out of anyone (and does by the way!). It's just that I know what it feels like to have someone give you the cold shoulder and to have no idea why it is happening. So in that sense, yes I feel guilty. I honestly have no ill will towards this person, if said person were to get very sick, or injured, or I guess die, then I would genuinely feel sad, and miss them if they were to die. But I just cannot stand being around them 5 days a week!!! How much sense does that make??

Saying Goodbye

Recently my sister had to put to sleep her dog Gracie that has been in our family for 11 years. She was an older dog and had a full life. She seemed like she had some fight left in her still, and then suddenly her health took a turn for the worst and my sister was faced with the difficult decision of keeping her around because it was so hard to let her go, or doing what seemed best for her and putting her to sleep to end her suffering. I think this is one of the hardest decisions anyone ever has to make. But as hard as it is to let a beloved family member go, it is also not fair to let them suffer because you cannot bear to part with them. I was lucky enough to get a chance to say goodbye to Gracie, it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But once I saw her and how much she was suffering, I knew it was without a doubt the right decision to let her go. My husband and I went to say our goodbyes and ended up staying at my sisters house all day that day. I held my sister while she cried, and cried myself knowing that soon I would lose a family member. The day that she put her to sleep my husband and I again went to her house to comfort her and her children. All 4 of her children took it pretty hard. The oldest refused to show anyone how sad she was, but I could tell she was deeply affected. The next in line took it really hard as she was a baby when Gracie came into our lives and they essentially grew up together. The middle child was not affected at first, but then when it sunk in that Gracie was not coming home he cried and cried and wrote the sweetest letter to her. The youngest also took it really hard, Gracie would sleep with him at night and he absolutely refused to go to bed without her. It was so heartbreaking to watch him cry because Gracie could not sleep with him anymore. I ended up buying him a black lab stuffed animal (as Gracie was a black lab) and told my sister to tell him that Gracie had sent it to watch over him while he sleeps since she could not be there to do it anymore. That seemed to do the trick, now that he has his stuffed black lab he is able to go to sleep. This situation made me think of my cat who I have had since I was 16. She is now 14 years old (in human years) which makes her in her 60's or 70's in cat years I believe. She is still really active for her age and every time we take her to the vet she gets a clean bill of health, so I know that I won't have to worry about losing her anytime in the near future. But I also know that she cannot live forever. She is like my child, I know that I will be devastated when it is her time to go. My poor husband is going to have a hysterical "mommy" on his hands when she goes. Just thinking about it makes me cry. For now I try to show her how much I love her and take care of her the best I can. I take a little bit of comfort in knowing that I will see Gracie and all of the other pets we have lost, and will lose, again one day. But it does not make saying goodbye any easier

Apology....

To the dog that I hit and did not stop to help: I am so very very sorry for what I did. Words cannot express how sorry I am or how much I have beaten myself up for the way I reacted that early dark morning. I know it is no excuse, but I was in shock at what I had done...had I been in my right frame of mind I have every confidence that I would have pulled over to the side of the road and rushed you to the vet and paid for your care myself. I have felt an immense guilt over what I have done since the day it happened. Every time the song that was playing on the radio when it happened comes on, I think of you. I hit you over a year ago, but I still cannot seem to forgive myself for what I have done. I may have taken the life of someones beloved family member. As a pet owner myself I cannot imagine the devastation that I have caused to your family. I am truly sorry for what I have done to you and your family. I wish that I could do something to make up for what I have done, but what makes up for hitting someone and not stopping to help? Certainly nothing that I can think of. My counselor tells me that it is ok to let go of the guilt, everyone makes mistakes and we all have moments when we do not always react the right way to things. She says that we take these events as learning experiences and move on. But to be quite honest, I do not know that I ever could move on. I feel like I will forever be a person who did this horrible thing. I have not been able to forgive myself for what I have done, and I guess I feel like I do not deserve forgiveness. If there truly is a time in our lives where we are brought before the Gods and judgement is to be passed on us, I am fairly certain I will be judged harshly for not stopping to help you. Some part of me feels like I should be judged harshly for what I have done. My hope is that you did not suffer and that you are far happier where you are. I am so so sorry for what I have done.

Punishment for Stupidity

My husband has often told me that I like to punish people for their own stupidity, and you know what...he is SO right! But that brings up the question of why people think they should be rewarded for their stupidity? Let's take driving for example. For the last week or so on the road I take to work there has been one lane closed due to road work. People know it is closed yet, they still think that they can stay in that lane until the last possible second and then expect people to let them in. Really? Today that lane was still closed, but there is now a longer stretch of that lane closed. In order to properly warn people, the nice construction workers posted signs saying "Right Lane Closed Ahead" as well as signs with the merge symbol on them at least two intersections back before the actual lane closure. That's right, I said at least TWO INTERSECTIONS BEFORE the actual lane closure. Well apparently the stupid people who drive on that road think that the signs do not apply to them and that they should go ahead and just stay in the lane up until the last possible second. At the intersection where the lane closure starts, the road construction people have placed one of those giant signs with the blinking arrows that tell you to move over ya idiot (I am sorry, but there is no possible way to miss a sign that has giant blinking arrows staring you in the face). Yet at least 5 cars stayed in the lane that is closed and went ahead and drove through the intersection, blocking it off because they are now about to collide head on with said blinking arrow sign, and the rest of the idiots in front of them. I being the person who loves to punish people for their own stupidity then speed up so that they cannot get in front of my car. My feeling is if you are too STUPID to obey the signs then you can just wait until either it is clear or someone who feels like rewarding and idiot who just knew they could get there faster than everyone else lets them in. Already annoyed with the idiocy on the road I get to work and find out that one of my co workers is one of those people who waits until the last possible second and expects someone to reward him for his idiocy and let him in. He then proceeds to tell me how he hates people like me who speed up and won't let idiots like him merge in front of them. So I obeyed the signs and got in the open lane way before it became an issue, yet I am supposed to reward the jerks who sped by me thinking they would get there faster only to have to stop and cut someone off because they ignored the lane closure signs?! How the freak does that work?! How are they entitled to being rewarded for being jerks who felt they were just too important to obey the signs and get in the open lane?? Yes the open lane is slower, and yes it sucks. But guess what...it's the jerks who speed by and cut someone off to merge at the last second that make it slow! Get over yourself and read the damn signs! If it says your lane is closed, then get the hell over into one that is NOT closed!! How frickin hard is that???!!! Sounds pretty simple and reasonable to me! But then I am not a last second merging idiot......