Getting Published

So I was reading a magazine today and this article I read was about how kinky sex stuff (ie: bondage, spanking, S&M) is now the norm. In the article the writer said that she had recently spoken to one of her friends who confessed that she writes "Tenticle Porn" stories..so it got me thinking, I have always wanted to write and sell at least one book. Lately I have been leaning towards writing Young Adult Fiction, but after reading the article I thought huh....maybe that is the key to me getting published. I think I am pretty good at writing short "dirty" stories, maybe I should give writing erotic fiction a try? Guess it's worth a shot!

Confusing Emotions

For the last two days I have just felt incredibly sad and all I have wanted to do is just sit and cry.  The confusing part is that I don't know why. I don't know why I am sad, I don't know why I want to cry, and I don't know what to do to make these feelings go away.  I have been irritable at work, and have gotten easily annoyed at my co-workers.  I just do not want to deal with anything or anyone. I want to go home with my babies and my husband and just not leave the house for like a month. I don't want to deal with work, I don't want to deal with people and I don't want to deal with bills. I just want it all to go away and give me a break.

The Day I Had Hoped Would Never Come

The day before Thanksgiving I made the extremely difficult decision to put my oldest cat Casper to sleep.  I had gotten her when I was 16 and she was a kitten.  She was my child in pretty much every sense of the word.  It was so hard to let her go.  Part of me felt like it was what was best for her, but part of me felt (and still does feel) like I made a terrible mistake.  I just cannot shake the feeling that it was not quite yet her time.  It has been a little over a month since we took her in and the vet put her to sleep, and yet it still feels like it was just a few days ago.  I still find myself crying when I think of her, or look at pictures of her.  They say time heals all wounds, but the pain is still too fresh for me to think that I will ever find myself "moving on" so to speak.  I love my other two cats, but as awful as it sounds I loved Casper differently and I just cannot love the other two the same.  They will always be my babies, but no one can ever take Casper's place.  I know that one day I will see her again, but I can't see her NOW, I can't hold her NOW, I can't kiss her NOW, I can't pet her or enjoy the sound of her purr as she curls up in my lap...I will never again come home to her greeting me at the front door, or wake up to her curled up next to me on the bed.  Sometimes it is just too hard to bear knowing that she will not be there when I wake up or when I get home from work.  I love her and miss her so much! I feel like some people think I am taking too long to get over it, but it is still just too hard to think about her being gone.  I hope that she knows how much I love and miss her. She will forever be my Baby Kitties......

Bleh......

I am having one of those days where I feel like crap and all I want to do is go home, curl up in a ball and just chill on my bed for the rest of the night.  But alas, I am stuck at work with a little over an hour left before I can go home.  You know, it's kinda hard to get better when you are sick when you are stuck going to work everyday!  Stupid bills that require me to have a full time job!!!

My Conundrum...

OK, so something you should know about me is that I love animals, ALL animals and it has always been my dream to have a job where I would spend my day working with them. Though I have never been very fond of meat, I had never had the desire to give it up altogether. A few years ago I received some material in the mail that detailed what happens to the animals then end up as our food. I was shocked and appalled...I mean I knew they weren't treated all that well, but I had no idea it was THAT bad. I cried my eyes out after reading it, and proceeded to tell my husband that I wanted to become a vegetarian because I did not want to support the people who torture these poor animals. I told him that this was my decision and he did not have to do it with me. He agreed to become vegetarian with me because he knew how much it meant to me. It lasted about a month. For one, the no meat was getting to my husband as he is very a much a meat eater, and also because at the end of the month I discovered that my already rail thin husband had lost so much weight his jeans were practically falling off of him (and dammit I didn't lose an ounce!). Honestly I did not miss the lack of meat in our diet at all. The only downside in my opinion was trying to come up with interesting dinners to make every night that we would both enjoy eating. That was a year ago, and we have been eating meat this whole time. I pretty much feel guilty just about every time I make a dinner that includes meat. I have decided to skip the turkey at Thanksgiving after learning exactly what happens to them when they are killed for our dinner. I feel like I could comfortably give up meat altogether and be just fine. Although I LOVE my cheese and I am a milk drinker....those would be much harder to give up than the meat. But here is my conundrum.....say I do decide to give up meat altogether, I won't ask my husband to go through that again, I don't want him to lose all that weight again either. So in this hypothetical situation I give up meat, but still continue to make meals that have meat in them for my husband. So the problem is, I am giving up eating it myself, yet I am still buying it for my husband. So even though I would no longer be eating it, I feel like the fact that I would still be buying it would void the fact that I am no longer eating it. So what am I supposed to do about that? I hate what the industry does to the animals, and do not want to support them, but I kind of have no choice. Welcome to my conundrum!

Ugh!

Have you ever met anyone that for whatever reason just completely gets on your nerves, and no matter what they do it just bugs the crap out of you? Yeah.....I have someone in my life that fits that description. This person has moments when they are fun, and not bad to be around or to talk to. But for the most part this person just bugs the crap out of me! Most of the time I don't know what it is that is bugging me either! There are specific times that this person does things to bug me, and bug everyone else at the same time, but then there are days that just their very presence and voice just make me want to scream! Now I am not saying that I am perfect and there are probably some people that I just annoy the crap out of, but I see this person 5 days a week, so it starts getting harder and harder to ignore the annoying things. Yet at the same time I feel sort of guilty. This person (as far as I know) has no idea that they bug the crap out of me, and sometimes I give this person the cold shoulder because it is my way of dealing without being a mega bitch. Not that this person is perfect, there are things that this person does that are rude and selfish and would bug the crap out of anyone (and does by the way!). It's just that I know what it feels like to have someone give you the cold shoulder and to have no idea why it is happening. So in that sense, yes I feel guilty. I honestly have no ill will towards this person, if said person were to get very sick, or injured, or I guess die, then I would genuinely feel sad, and miss them if they were to die. But I just cannot stand being around them 5 days a week!!! How much sense does that make??

Saying Goodbye

Recently my sister had to put to sleep her dog Gracie that has been in our family for 11 years. She was an older dog and had a full life. She seemed like she had some fight left in her still, and then suddenly her health took a turn for the worst and my sister was faced with the difficult decision of keeping her around because it was so hard to let her go, or doing what seemed best for her and putting her to sleep to end her suffering. I think this is one of the hardest decisions anyone ever has to make. But as hard as it is to let a beloved family member go, it is also not fair to let them suffer because you cannot bear to part with them. I was lucky enough to get a chance to say goodbye to Gracie, it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But once I saw her and how much she was suffering, I knew it was without a doubt the right decision to let her go. My husband and I went to say our goodbyes and ended up staying at my sisters house all day that day. I held my sister while she cried, and cried myself knowing that soon I would lose a family member. The day that she put her to sleep my husband and I again went to her house to comfort her and her children. All 4 of her children took it pretty hard. The oldest refused to show anyone how sad she was, but I could tell she was deeply affected. The next in line took it really hard as she was a baby when Gracie came into our lives and they essentially grew up together. The middle child was not affected at first, but then when it sunk in that Gracie was not coming home he cried and cried and wrote the sweetest letter to her. The youngest also took it really hard, Gracie would sleep with him at night and he absolutely refused to go to bed without her. It was so heartbreaking to watch him cry because Gracie could not sleep with him anymore. I ended up buying him a black lab stuffed animal (as Gracie was a black lab) and told my sister to tell him that Gracie had sent it to watch over him while he sleeps since she could not be there to do it anymore. That seemed to do the trick, now that he has his stuffed black lab he is able to go to sleep. This situation made me think of my cat who I have had since I was 16. She is now 14 years old (in human years) which makes her in her 60's or 70's in cat years I believe. She is still really active for her age and every time we take her to the vet she gets a clean bill of health, so I know that I won't have to worry about losing her anytime in the near future. But I also know that she cannot live forever. She is like my child, I know that I will be devastated when it is her time to go. My poor husband is going to have a hysterical "mommy" on his hands when she goes. Just thinking about it makes me cry. For now I try to show her how much I love her and take care of her the best I can. I take a little bit of comfort in knowing that I will see Gracie and all of the other pets we have lost, and will lose, again one day. But it does not make saying goodbye any easier