My Conundrum...

OK, so something you should know about me is that I love animals, ALL animals and it has always been my dream to have a job where I would spend my day working with them. Though I have never been very fond of meat, I had never had the desire to give it up altogether. A few years ago I received some material in the mail that detailed what happens to the animals then end up as our food. I was shocked and appalled...I mean I knew they weren't treated all that well, but I had no idea it was THAT bad. I cried my eyes out after reading it, and proceeded to tell my husband that I wanted to become a vegetarian because I did not want to support the people who torture these poor animals. I told him that this was my decision and he did not have to do it with me. He agreed to become vegetarian with me because he knew how much it meant to me. It lasted about a month. For one, the no meat was getting to my husband as he is very a much a meat eater, and also because at the end of the month I discovered that my already rail thin husband had lost so much weight his jeans were practically falling off of him (and dammit I didn't lose an ounce!). Honestly I did not miss the lack of meat in our diet at all. The only downside in my opinion was trying to come up with interesting dinners to make every night that we would both enjoy eating. That was a year ago, and we have been eating meat this whole time. I pretty much feel guilty just about every time I make a dinner that includes meat. I have decided to skip the turkey at Thanksgiving after learning exactly what happens to them when they are killed for our dinner. I feel like I could comfortably give up meat altogether and be just fine. Although I LOVE my cheese and I am a milk drinker....those would be much harder to give up than the meat. But here is my conundrum.....say I do decide to give up meat altogether, I won't ask my husband to go through that again, I don't want him to lose all that weight again either. So in this hypothetical situation I give up meat, but still continue to make meals that have meat in them for my husband. So the problem is, I am giving up eating it myself, yet I am still buying it for my husband. So even though I would no longer be eating it, I feel like the fact that I would still be buying it would void the fact that I am no longer eating it. So what am I supposed to do about that? I hate what the industry does to the animals, and do not want to support them, but I kind of have no choice. Welcome to my conundrum!

Ugh!

Have you ever met anyone that for whatever reason just completely gets on your nerves, and no matter what they do it just bugs the crap out of you? Yeah.....I have someone in my life that fits that description. This person has moments when they are fun, and not bad to be around or to talk to. But for the most part this person just bugs the crap out of me! Most of the time I don't know what it is that is bugging me either! There are specific times that this person does things to bug me, and bug everyone else at the same time, but then there are days that just their very presence and voice just make me want to scream! Now I am not saying that I am perfect and there are probably some people that I just annoy the crap out of, but I see this person 5 days a week, so it starts getting harder and harder to ignore the annoying things. Yet at the same time I feel sort of guilty. This person (as far as I know) has no idea that they bug the crap out of me, and sometimes I give this person the cold shoulder because it is my way of dealing without being a mega bitch. Not that this person is perfect, there are things that this person does that are rude and selfish and would bug the crap out of anyone (and does by the way!). It's just that I know what it feels like to have someone give you the cold shoulder and to have no idea why it is happening. So in that sense, yes I feel guilty. I honestly have no ill will towards this person, if said person were to get very sick, or injured, or I guess die, then I would genuinely feel sad, and miss them if they were to die. But I just cannot stand being around them 5 days a week!!! How much sense does that make??

Saying Goodbye

Recently my sister had to put to sleep her dog Gracie that has been in our family for 11 years. She was an older dog and had a full life. She seemed like she had some fight left in her still, and then suddenly her health took a turn for the worst and my sister was faced with the difficult decision of keeping her around because it was so hard to let her go, or doing what seemed best for her and putting her to sleep to end her suffering. I think this is one of the hardest decisions anyone ever has to make. But as hard as it is to let a beloved family member go, it is also not fair to let them suffer because you cannot bear to part with them. I was lucky enough to get a chance to say goodbye to Gracie, it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But once I saw her and how much she was suffering, I knew it was without a doubt the right decision to let her go. My husband and I went to say our goodbyes and ended up staying at my sisters house all day that day. I held my sister while she cried, and cried myself knowing that soon I would lose a family member. The day that she put her to sleep my husband and I again went to her house to comfort her and her children. All 4 of her children took it pretty hard. The oldest refused to show anyone how sad she was, but I could tell she was deeply affected. The next in line took it really hard as she was a baby when Gracie came into our lives and they essentially grew up together. The middle child was not affected at first, but then when it sunk in that Gracie was not coming home he cried and cried and wrote the sweetest letter to her. The youngest also took it really hard, Gracie would sleep with him at night and he absolutely refused to go to bed without her. It was so heartbreaking to watch him cry because Gracie could not sleep with him anymore. I ended up buying him a black lab stuffed animal (as Gracie was a black lab) and told my sister to tell him that Gracie had sent it to watch over him while he sleeps since she could not be there to do it anymore. That seemed to do the trick, now that he has his stuffed black lab he is able to go to sleep. This situation made me think of my cat who I have had since I was 16. She is now 14 years old (in human years) which makes her in her 60's or 70's in cat years I believe. She is still really active for her age and every time we take her to the vet she gets a clean bill of health, so I know that I won't have to worry about losing her anytime in the near future. But I also know that she cannot live forever. She is like my child, I know that I will be devastated when it is her time to go. My poor husband is going to have a hysterical "mommy" on his hands when she goes. Just thinking about it makes me cry. For now I try to show her how much I love her and take care of her the best I can. I take a little bit of comfort in knowing that I will see Gracie and all of the other pets we have lost, and will lose, again one day. But it does not make saying goodbye any easier

Apology....

To the dog that I hit and did not stop to help: I am so very very sorry for what I did. Words cannot express how sorry I am or how much I have beaten myself up for the way I reacted that early dark morning. I know it is no excuse, but I was in shock at what I had done...had I been in my right frame of mind I have every confidence that I would have pulled over to the side of the road and rushed you to the vet and paid for your care myself. I have felt an immense guilt over what I have done since the day it happened. Every time the song that was playing on the radio when it happened comes on, I think of you. I hit you over a year ago, but I still cannot seem to forgive myself for what I have done. I may have taken the life of someones beloved family member. As a pet owner myself I cannot imagine the devastation that I have caused to your family. I am truly sorry for what I have done to you and your family. I wish that I could do something to make up for what I have done, but what makes up for hitting someone and not stopping to help? Certainly nothing that I can think of. My counselor tells me that it is ok to let go of the guilt, everyone makes mistakes and we all have moments when we do not always react the right way to things. She says that we take these events as learning experiences and move on. But to be quite honest, I do not know that I ever could move on. I feel like I will forever be a person who did this horrible thing. I have not been able to forgive myself for what I have done, and I guess I feel like I do not deserve forgiveness. If there truly is a time in our lives where we are brought before the Gods and judgement is to be passed on us, I am fairly certain I will be judged harshly for not stopping to help you. Some part of me feels like I should be judged harshly for what I have done. My hope is that you did not suffer and that you are far happier where you are. I am so so sorry for what I have done.

Punishment for Stupidity

My husband has often told me that I like to punish people for their own stupidity, and you know what...he is SO right! But that brings up the question of why people think they should be rewarded for their stupidity? Let's take driving for example. For the last week or so on the road I take to work there has been one lane closed due to road work. People know it is closed yet, they still think that they can stay in that lane until the last possible second and then expect people to let them in. Really? Today that lane was still closed, but there is now a longer stretch of that lane closed. In order to properly warn people, the nice construction workers posted signs saying "Right Lane Closed Ahead" as well as signs with the merge symbol on them at least two intersections back before the actual lane closure. That's right, I said at least TWO INTERSECTIONS BEFORE the actual lane closure. Well apparently the stupid people who drive on that road think that the signs do not apply to them and that they should go ahead and just stay in the lane up until the last possible second. At the intersection where the lane closure starts, the road construction people have placed one of those giant signs with the blinking arrows that tell you to move over ya idiot (I am sorry, but there is no possible way to miss a sign that has giant blinking arrows staring you in the face). Yet at least 5 cars stayed in the lane that is closed and went ahead and drove through the intersection, blocking it off because they are now about to collide head on with said blinking arrow sign, and the rest of the idiots in front of them. I being the person who loves to punish people for their own stupidity then speed up so that they cannot get in front of my car. My feeling is if you are too STUPID to obey the signs then you can just wait until either it is clear or someone who feels like rewarding and idiot who just knew they could get there faster than everyone else lets them in. Already annoyed with the idiocy on the road I get to work and find out that one of my co workers is one of those people who waits until the last possible second and expects someone to reward him for his idiocy and let him in. He then proceeds to tell me how he hates people like me who speed up and won't let idiots like him merge in front of them. So I obeyed the signs and got in the open lane way before it became an issue, yet I am supposed to reward the jerks who sped by me thinking they would get there faster only to have to stop and cut someone off because they ignored the lane closure signs?! How the freak does that work?! How are they entitled to being rewarded for being jerks who felt they were just too important to obey the signs and get in the open lane?? Yes the open lane is slower, and yes it sucks. But guess what...it's the jerks who speed by and cut someone off to merge at the last second that make it slow! Get over yourself and read the damn signs! If it says your lane is closed, then get the hell over into one that is NOT closed!! How frickin hard is that???!!! Sounds pretty simple and reasonable to me! But then I am not a last second merging idiot......

Don't laugh at me, don't call me names....

There is a song called "Don't Laugh At Me." I have always loved this song, because I have always identified with most of the lyrics. For those of you who have never heard it the chorus goes: "Don't laugh at me, don't call me names. Don't get your pleasure from my pain. In Gods eyes, we're all the same. Someday we'll all have perfect wings..don't laugh at me." Whenever I hear this song, it always takes me back to when I was younger and how often I was made fun of because I was the fat kid. I often wonder what is it about humans that makes us feel the need to make fun of, or talk about others? Why do we feel the need to put others down? It's not even just the fat people that get made fun of....it's anyone who is "different" than we are (whether we personally know them or not) or anyone that we for whatever reason do not like. I was watching this special on tv one day called "What would you do?", the show presented different scenarios and hired actors to play the parts of both sides. We'll call them the "victims" and the "abusers" for lack of a better way to put it. So they take this actors with their predetermined scenarios and send them out in public to act them out, just to see how the general public responds. Most of the scenarios revolve around putting someone down, being racist things of that nature. (although I have seen scenarios that have nothing to do with putting some one down, these just seem to be the most popular) the most recent show I watched involved a scenario where a man with down syndrome works at a local grocery store as a bag boy. So he is actor number one, the various actor number twos are different people who they send through the checkout line to buy their stuff and berate the bag boy for how "slow and retarded" he is as well as other various put downs. The thing is, while most people seemed appalled by the behavior of the "abuser" there were less than a hand full of people who actually stood up for the "victim". When did we turn into a society that doesn't want to get involved? Why are we all so afraid of sticking up for someone? It seemed that the majority of the few people who stood up for the poor man were people who in some way had a personal connection to someone like him. Why is there not more outrage in people who do not have a personal connection to the type of person that is being victimized? I have absolutely no personal connection to anyone who has down syndrome and I was completely pissed off at what I was watching and spent most of the program, even after they moved on to other scenarios not involving the man with down syndrome, yelling at the tv with disgust for the people who could treat someone the way the actors in the different scenarios are being treated. I understand that the key word here is that they are ACTING, but the thing is there are actually people in the world who are normally just like the people acting the part of the "abuser" and there are people who are just like the actors who are playing the "victims" who actually do have to put up with the "abuse" in their normal every day lives. Maybe it is because I have spent most of my life being made fun of, having things thrown at me, and looked at with disgust, that I get so outraged and have such trouble understanding the motivation to make someone else feel like crap, to feel the need to get "pleasure from their pain" like the song says. I also find it sad that adults do not out grow the "mean kid" or bully phase. There are grown adults making fun of grown adults all the time, shouldn't we "know better" at that point? Shouldn't we, as adults, have reached a point where we get it....we understand that we are causing someone pain when we make fun of them, and that there is no reason to behave this way? I just don't understand feeling no remorse for making someone feel like crap just because they are different than you. Another good question is why is it always considered acceptable to make fun of fat people and to make them all feel like they are less than human because they are not thin? Do people think that berating someone for being fat is going to suddenly make that person strive to be super model thin? Because guess what, it doesn't. It just makes that person feel worse about themselves, and in some cases care even less about trying to change...because what is the point, they are less than human anyways, won't the world see them the same way regardless of the number on the scale or the size of their clothes? Sadly I am still the "fat kid" and even though I am a grown woman I still get made fun of, and still get looked at with disgust. You would think that after dealing with it for so many years I would be used to it and I would not bother me anymore. That is not the case, it still makes me cry, it still makes me feel like crap. Yes I know that I am fat and ugly I do not need complete strangers to point this out to me. I also do not need family members to look at me with disgust, that hurts even worse than the complete stranger who just did the same thing. Really all you are doing is taking away whatever small shred self esteem I may have had left. You, strangers and family alike have made it so that I am afraid to eat in front of people because of what they may think of my food choices. I am afraid to even glance at a fast food building as I am driving by because I am afraid that you will think that the reason I am looking at it is because all I can think about is food. I am afraid to try new things and go new places because of what people might think or say about me. I am afraid to go for a job that I might want because I feel like I am not good enough for it or that I would just screw it up anyways, I mean look at the fabulous job I have done with losing the weight that so disgusts you. I am afraid to speak up and join discussions because I am afraid of what those people are thinking about me while I am talking. Family, have you ever wondered why I am so quiet keep to myself at family functions while every one else is relaxing and chatting with each other? Re read that last sentence before my question for your answer. I am afraid that when I am out in public with my husband that people look at him with pity because his wife is so disgusting. I am even afraid sometimes that my husband will regret marrying a fat girl. I'm even afraid to be seen carrying food even if it is not for me because of what people will think about me.
Here is something that people don't take into consideration....it's not always that easy to lose weight. Also, not all fat people spend all of their time eating or always eat giant sized portions. In fact, I tend to eat less than most of the skinny people I know. Believe me or not, but it's true. I guess my point is to think before you speak, your words could hurt more than you know. Don't immediately discount a person just because of how they look. What if under all the layers of fat you see when you look at me, I am a truly awesome person who could end up being your most loyal best friend? Why am I not even given the chance to show you just what kind of person I am before you make assumptions about me, or anyone else for that matter?

Fun, yet sad....

Over the weekend my husband and I took one of our nephews to a place called The Living Planet Aquarium. None of us had ever been there before, so it was a new experience for all three of us. They had all sorts of tanks with all sorts of fish and marine life in them, a lot of which most of us would never have the chance to see up close if it weren't for said tanks. They had tanks full of fish and other aquatic life native to our state, as well as the ocean (which we live nowhere near). They also had a small penguin exhibit with a handful of penguins that were very happy to see the humans staring at them through the glass. They kept jumping in the water and coming right up to the glass to stare at everyone, it was pretty cute. There was a small enclosure that had 4 or 5 sting rays in it that the public was allowed to touch "with two fingers only" they were just swimming around in there, one kept coming up and swimming up on the side so that his "wing" was sticking out of the water so that people could touch it. I was the only one out of the three of us that was brave enough to touch one. (I had to work up the courage after a little while, but that is beyond the point!) Just in case you are wondering, they feel slimy! So here is the sad part. The majority of the animals were in tanks that were way too small for them. Two examples that I can think of off the top of my head are: there was an octopus (who by the way was so NOT happy with my husband when he came close to the tank holding his camera! The octopus immediately took a defensive stance and started changing colors. He definitely was putting my husband in his place!) that was in a narrow tall tank that mostly only allowed him to climb up and down the glass, next to that there was a HUGE lobster, the biggest I have ever seen and he was almost as big as the tank he was in....so I questioned, how is he supposed to move around in that thing? So I am torn, it is fun for me to be able to see wildlife that I would normally never be able to see, and get (somewhat) up close with them. But at the same time the small places they confine them to border on abuse, and when we go there and pay to get in, we are basically supporting the abuse. So here I am torn in two directions.....loving being able to "visit" the wildlife, but hating that they are confined into small areas and stared at (and most likely traumatized by the banging on the glass by small children) all day every day. The animal lover in me both loves and despises these types of places. I love to go to them, yet always feel guilty afterwards for supporting the trapping and confining of animals for human amusement. It's a vicious cycle and I am not sure how to end it.

Jesus Obsession?

There seems to be a lot of talk about Jesus these days. Online, in newspapers, on tv..I can't even log onto my facebook account without seeing a reference to Jesus. What I don't understand is what is the sudden obsession with Jesus? Why does everyone feel so compelled to mention his name lately? I wasn't raised in a religious home and was never "baptised" into any religion. I think that being raised in a home that was not religious has helped me to be able to be more open minded and to see things from several different view points and understand why people feel the way that they do about their view point. I am not an atheist by any means, but the older I get the more trouble I have believing that there is ONE Almighty being out there that controls and creates everything. Personally I find it much more plausible and easier to believe in multiple Gods, like the Greek gods and goddesses for example. It just makes more sense to me that there are multiple "beings" that are in charge of overseeing and creating things.....I can't completely explain it, I just have trouble with the fact that there is just one, like I said. Also...the other thing I have trouble with is how do we even know that Jesus existed and that he really did all the things that the bible says he did. I mean if you think about it, this book has been re written and translated MANY times...how do we know that some of it wasn't embellished or translated wrong? But I guess my biggest problem is how could one almighty powerful being who is supposed to love us and all creatures allow the atrocities that occur on a daily basis to happen? Yes, I understand the whole "free will" thing..but really? Where is the free will of the child being abused or molested and has no choice in what is happening to them and no way to fight back? Where is the free will of the animals that are neglected and abused and tested on? They cannot voice their pain and outrage and in some cases they can't even fight back. How could anyone not only allow this to happen, but let someone so toxic pollute our society? I could get into murderers and rapists and so on, but I think you get the idea. I believe that evil does exist and it has nothing to do with Lucifer or hell or being led into temptation. I believe that some people come to the earth already evil and no amount of religion or faith will ever change them. I also believe that being evil has NOTHING to do with free will. I believe that free will means choices, you can choose to be good, you can choose to be bad. You can choose to be nice or mean. You can choose to help that person struggling to grab something off the shelf or you can choose to walk right by them and let them fend for themselves. Free will implies that the child molester, animal abuser, murderer, rapist etc. could choose to not do what they are doing...meaning it would never happen in the first place. Meaning those labels I just used would not even exist, and that there was no evil in the world. I guess I am trying to understand that if there is one almighty creator who is good, and kind, and loving....why is he creating evil? And why are we supposed to follow him blindly? Do we know for sure that there is a heaven and a hell? And do we even know for sure what it takes to get sent to either place? And for that matter, what gives us the right to determine who is going to heaven and who is going to hell? I do not believe that your religion defines where you will be going when you die, there are very devout evil people out there, not every one who attends church and believes in god is a good person. I do believe that when we die we will be held accountable for the things we have done in this life and that we will all have to face the consequences for our actions, whatever they may be. I feel like if I had had as much faith as a lot of people seem to, I would be having trouble keeping that faith in the world we live in today. I respect people who have faith, and I respect their choice to follow a religion. I just wish they respected my choice to not follow one, and I wish they would stop pushing their faith on me.

A Change Would Do You Good.....

So for some reason ever since I turned 30 I have just felt so trapped in my day to day life...
I am sick of the monotony of my job, and to be quite honest I have not been happy at my job for quite some time now, but the job market has forced me to stay there as it provides me with a steady income. I feel like I am at a point in my life where I should be in a career, not the dead end job I am in right now. All I can think about most days is just how much I want out! And I feel so powerless in the whole situation. I have been job hunting for over a year now and so far I have had one interview out of the many jobs I have applied for and for whatever reason I did not get that job that I interviewed for. I tried going to school, but the recent layoffs due to the economic downturn forced me to quit after only one term...my husband was laid off and we could no longer afford my tuition. I feel like I have nothing to show for my life...I mean don't get me wrong I have a wonderful husband, my babies (my cats), and my family...but I am in a dead end job, living paycheck to paycheck and paying pretty much a mortgage payment on my 2 bedroom apartment. I don't know, I guess I just thought that by this point in my life I would be in a house and have a career. Or at the very least be in a house. So I have been mildly depressed lately just thinking about how I am stuck and how bad I want to change things but I just can't. It's very frustrating. I am sure that I am not the only one feeling this way, it's kinda hard not to with the way the economy is, pretty much life in general sucks for a lot of people right now. Anyway....just felt like getting that out of my system...till next time!

Ignorance......

Here is something that I have been thinking about for a few days....I work at a bank, and recently I had a customer come in, she started asking me random questions about our policies regarding asking people to remove hats, sunglasses, etc. when they come in so that we can see their faces and in turn properly identify them. She brought up the fact that we do not have any signs posted anywhere asking customers to remove these things before entering the bank and she questions how we are able to enforce having them remove the stuff without a sign posted. I informed her that even though there are no signs posted we are still allowed to ask that customers remove their hats and whatnot so that we can see them. Then she out of the blue says "well what about fundamentalist Muslims? What is your policy for them?" I'm thinking to myself "What???" So then she says "Well what do you do if a woman shows up wearing a Burka?" So at this point I am thinking "Ummm....what does that have to do with anything??" So I tell her that it has not been an issue and therefore we do not have a specific policy in place for that type of situation. So she proceeds to tell me that her sister-in-law was in bank recently and a woman in a Burka walked in and her sister was just freaked out the whole time.....so apparently to this customer a woman in a Burka=suicide bomber! I was just so shocked at the ignorance and racism coming from this lady. I had no idea what to say! I just basically reiterated that it has not been an issue and quickly walked away (I was letting her into her safe deposit box so I did not have to remain with her thankfully) I just thought what am I supposed to say in that kind of situation?? I'm like maybe we need a policy in place for how we deal with ignorant racist customers, I am sure we have all been in a situation where we have been shocked into silence by what someone has said, I think it would be helpful to have an appropriate response for this kind of thing. If I had said what I really wanted to say, which is somewhere along the lines of "just because a woman is in a Burka does not mean she is about to blow us all up, she is following her religious practices plain and simple and there is nothing wrong with that. The sight of a Burka does not automatically mean that evil is afoot, and I find your comments a little offensive" I probably would have gotten in trouble because I was at work and she was my customer. Plus let's be real here people...what would they have to gain by blowing up a bank in Utah of all places?? NOTHING!!! I just don't get people sometimes....

Hello!

So I finally caved and created my own blog.....
Not sure where it willl go from here or how often I will be posting to it, but I have one none the less! If you are curious as to where I got the name for my blog, it is my name and my husbands name smooshed together :o) I figured it would be unique enough that it would not have already been taken. Anyway, I don't really have anything interesting to post at the moment..so I guess this is it for now!